Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. 
  
His doctor says,  "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."     
  
Paddy asks,  "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"                                                           
  
  The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.   
  
If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'

here is one from my side

Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husbands and all her childrens?” The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

 

TGIF !!!

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.

The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded,”Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bull’s eye in your wife’s love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.”

He continued,”Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.”

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.

The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ”I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.”

The Greens pleaded with him repeatedly, and said,”You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.

The docotor says “Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios…”

@dhwase,

FYI! please be polite and post short ones preferably.
Here goes mine for the day though some of you might have already heard it.

Having grown up in a small Alabama town, my friend James couldn't wait to tell us all about life in California, where he was stationed.

"The malls are massive, and the restaurants are great," he said. Then he grinned. "I even went to a topless bar."

"Really?" said his mother, surprised.

"What do they do if it starts to rain?"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto have been riding all day on
a buffalo hunt. When they stop to rest, Tonto places his ear to the
ground and listens. "Buffalo come," Tonto says. "How do you know that?"
asks the Lone Ranger. "Ear sticky."

Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.

They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.

The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."

The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."

The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, It came a couple times, I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."

 

 

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard.

“I’m lost,” said the man.”Can you put me up for the night?”

“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”

“OK,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, had a fantastic figure and looked like Tera Patrick!!! She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,

“Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.”

“Well, that’s pretty crappy,” he thought. “If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.” He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read:

“Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.”

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rock that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read,

“Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

gazzzzzzab!!! Chienese torture!!

i know a few of these tortures too !!!

1. man's hands tied to the bed post, legs tied to the other end - three strands of his pubic hair tied with a string to an open wall clock - one on the minute hand, one on the hour hand and one on the second hand  - that hurts?!?
2. same guy, tied to an apple tree this time with his penis head covered with apple sauce but covered by his skin. Thereby exposing the apple sauce only when the head is exposed or erected. The best part - three naked hot women within a meter range from the guy - graciously playing and self healing. Bestest part - the tree has red ants!
   

A guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."

A man wakes up early one morning and decides to go Bear hunting. He tells his wife, “You’ve got three choices; you can go Bear hunting with me, I ll do you anally or you can give me a blowjob. I m gonna load up the truck and get the dog out. Make up your mind before I get back. “

The man returns twenty minutes later and says, “Well what’s it gonna be?

“She say s, “There’s no way I m going Bear hunting and you re not doing my ass so I guess it’s a blowjob. “

A couple minutes later she starts choking and spitting and says, “Jesus, you taste like  shit.” "Oh yeah,” he replies, “The dog didn’t want to go Bear hunting either.”

Here is one for the day

An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained. “Senor, these are the cojones,” the waiter replied. “The what, you say?” exclaimed the tourist. “They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today,” explained the waiter. The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: “Today’s cojones are much saltier and smaller than the ones I had yesterday.” “True, senor,” agreed the waiter. “You see the bull, he does not always lose.”

good one dhawse bro..here's mine for today

M sends James Bond on a secret mission to heaven. When M doesn’t hear
from Bond for over a day, he gets worried and calls up heaven.

The Virgin Mary picks up the phone and says “Virgin Mary speaking.” M
asks her if Bond has reached there yet. She replies that he hasn’t.

M waits another few hours and calls heaven back again. “Virgin Mary
speaking,” comes the response. “Is James there yet?” asks M. Again the
answer is no.

M is really worried by this time but he waits for a few more hours
and then calls heaven back again.

“Hello, Mary speaking…”

nice one walkahead and ktg bro

aaja ko khurak !!!

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. “Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.” The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis……sixty times”

LOL

I have some golf tips for the day

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no,” you re gripping the club way too hard!” “Well, what should I do?” asks the man. “Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you'd hold your wife’s breast.”The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.

The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you re gripping the club way too hard.” “What can I do?” asks the wife.”Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband’s penis.” The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. “That was great,”the pro says. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you re supposed to!” says the pro.

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, you have to help me!” The doctor asks, “What’s your problem?” The guy says, “Every morning I wake up with my morning flagpole …give the wife a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I carpool with the next door neighbor’s wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work. Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls. At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boning. For afternoon tea, I give the boss’s wife a good servicing. Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give the wife another screw…….” “So…?” asked the doctor. “What’s your problem???” The guy says, “Well, it hurts when I masturbate!”