Little Johnny

“God's Handles”

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work,
Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George
holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.

No one raises their hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"

Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses.

"Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."

A Salesman is trying to call a client. The phone rings and their little boy, named Little Johnny, in a whisper, says, "Hello."

Salesman: "Is your mommy there?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "Yes."

Salesman: "Can I speak with her?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "She's busy."

Salesman: "Is your daddy there?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "Yes."

Salesman: "Can I speak with him?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "He's busy."

Salesman: "Is there anyone else there?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "The fire department."

Salesman: "Can I talk to one of them?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "They're busy."

Salesman: "Is there anybody ELSE there?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "The police department."

Salesman: "Well, can I talk to one of THEM?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "They're busy."

Salesman: "Let me get this straight: your mother, your father, the fire department AND the police department are ALL in your house, and they're ALL busy. WHAT are they doing?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "They're looking for me."

At Sunday school, the teacher asked little Johnny, "Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?"

"Sure," little Johnny replied. "They go out in back of the church yard."

It's nice!!! I like it.

The teacher of a first grade class gives instructions to the little boys on how to go to the bathroom.

The teacher tells them the following:
One - unzip your zipper
Two - pull your pecker out
Three - stroke the skin back
Four - take a pee
Five - stroke the skin forward
Six - put it away and zip up the zipper

So the boys go to do their thing and return a few minutes later. The teacher asks, "Where is Little Johnny?"

One of the boys replies "He is still in the bathroom."

The teacher goes down the hall to the boy's restroom and hears Little Johnny "Three, Five, Three, Five, Three, Five............"

In the class room, the teacher asks. "Who destroyed Berlin's wall?"

No one of her student can answer this question. They all keep silent. Then the teacher turns her face to Little Johnny. "Johnny ?"

"No, I didn't !!!!" exclaimed Little Johnny.

"How rude you are to answer me like that !" The teacher then writes a letter to Little Johnny's father and asks him to come to her office to discuss his son's behavior.

The next morning, Little Johnny's father comes and meets the teacher in her office. The teacher tells the story to Johnny's father but to your surprise, Johnny's father responds like this : "Well, if he was the one, he would honestly tell so!"

Back

It was Little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that Little Johnny was a good kid but that he was a hell of a gambler. He warned her that Little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely.

The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of Little Johnny's urge to gamble.

Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going. "Oh, everything is going very well." She said. "I think I may have cured Little Johnny of his gambling habit."

The father asked her what had happened. "The little boy absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear." She said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole."

"Damn!" The father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's bare butt before the day was over."

Johnny kept betting on everything, and it was driving his dad crazy. So he called Johnny's teacher and told her about it. She promised to try to do something about it and at school that day told Johnny that she wanted to see him after class. After everybody had gone home Johnny went to his teacher and said "I know what you're going to say and you're a liar!"

His teacher said "Whatever do you mean by that?"

Johnny replied "You mislead everyone, the hair on your head is blonde but your pubes are dark, you bleach your hair!"

His teacher saw her chance and said "I'll bet you ten dollars that my pubes are blonde."

Johnny agreed and put ten dollars down, whereupon his teacher pulled down her panties, revealing a thick blonde bush.

Johnny paid her the money and left.

His teacher rang Johnny's father and told him what she'd done to cure Johnny of his habit, but Johnny's father groaned and said "Oh no, now he'll be worse than ever!"

The teacher asked him what he meant and he replied "Before he left for school today Johnny bet me fifty dollars that he'd see your pussy before the day was over."