PREVIOUS THREAD AVAILABLE HERE

Coz of the 200 posts per thread limit, i have to continue this thread here. 

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her — how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, “I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.”

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.”

The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?”

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?”

Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.”

Then the young son asked, “Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”

 

Poor guy
A
man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into
a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.



He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the
girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up
and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his
wife:



"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He
probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I
saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he
nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry,
he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."



To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and
asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be
strong honey. I love you too!!"

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.



They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"



His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."



When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.



His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"



"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."



A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave,
and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"



Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.



Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the
stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is
having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every name in the book.



The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

thanks dance zone !!!,

here is what i have for the day

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”

“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this – When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?”

 

A woman walks into her sex therapist’s office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.

The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn’t know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn’t know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn’t know; it’s an experimental drug and she doesn’t know what a full bottle could do to a person.

Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist’s office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband’s morning coffee. A week later, a boy walks into the therapist’s office and says: “Are you the dumb [Disallowed String for - bad word] who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?”

“Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?”

“Well, mom’s dead, my sister’s pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad’s sittin’ in the corner going ‘Here, kitty, kitty, kitty…’”

hummm, nice jockes guys.....

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!"
The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah".
The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!"
Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"
The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?"
So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.

“Oscar, what happened to you?”, asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.

“I got a ride down here in some guy’s mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off,” wheezed Oscar.

“Let me give you a tip, old pal,” said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. “You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?”

So you can imagine the flea’s surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar – looking more chilled and miserable than before.

“Listen,” said Oscar, “I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off.”

“And so?” asked the first flea.

“And so the next thing I know, I’m on this guy’s mustache again!”

A guy walks into a whore house, and asks what can he get for five dollars, and the pimp says “we have some chickens in the back”, and the man replies ok, he goes in the back for five minutes and comes out and the pimp says come back tommorow and i ll have a special .  so the man comes back the next day, and he gives him the five dollars,and pimp says to go and look at a little tiny hole in the wall. so the man goes and he sits next to another man staring into the hole, and they see two lesbians going at it and the man next to him says " you should have been here yesterday, there was a guy f**ing a chicken”!

A guy was walking along the beach admiring the beautiful sunset when he noticed a young lady laying in the sand, she had no arms and no legs and was crying.

He goes over and asked what was wrong. She said, “I am 21 years old, I have no legs and no arms and I have never been kissed”.

So, he bends down and kisses her and she stops crying. He gets up to walk away and she starts to cry again.

Again, he asks her what is wrong.

She says, “I am 21 years old, I have no arms and no legs and I have never been screwed.”

So, he goes over to her, picks her up and throws her in the water, and says – “there, now you’re screwed”!

It was not funny ok!!

ok

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water. The son comes running up to his mom and says "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Minutes later he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

this not rated R, but its funny, so i find worth posting it here

U CANT BEAT A LAWYER !!!

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three lawyers buy only a single ticket.
”How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asked one of the three engineers.
”Watch and you’ll see,” answers one of the lawyers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three lawyers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says,”Ticket, please” .The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the engineers decide to copy the lawyers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the lawyers don’t buy a ticket at all.
”How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asks one perplexed engineer.
”Watch and you’ll see,” says one of the lawyers. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the lawyers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says,
”Ticket, please.”

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees – always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn’t making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, “Sarah, I’m going to have to lay you or Jack off.”

And Sarah says, “Can you just jack off? I have a headache!”

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the
front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him...

The nun, surprised by the
question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts
again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how
you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says
that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening
at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord.
"If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus
driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with
you."

The hippie decides to try
this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on
schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie
walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God,
I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me
first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for
anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly
sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie
finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!
"

The
nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus
driver!"

A man has been married to his wife for over 20 years and during the past 5 years he has been unable to obtain an erection. He feels just horrible because he is unable to have sex with his wife. He fears his wife may leave him for another man.Out of desperation the man has gone to every doctor and expert in the area. Despite numerous tests and suggested remedies, no reason for his impotence can be found and no cure has worked.The man decides to share his problem with his best friend. His best friend gets all excited and says, “I know who can help you! There is mystic and he was able to help someone else I know with the same problem! You must go see him!”

So the man takes his friend’s advice and goes to visit this curious mystic. The man explains his problem, the mystic looks him over and says, “Ah, yes, indeed I can offer a temporary cure.”

The man is just elated, he tells the mystic, “Whatever it is, please do it! I want to be able to have sex with my wife, please!”

So the mystic nods his head, does a strange dance around the man while murmuring odd sounds, claps his hands and says, “All done. Now, sir, you will be able to bring on an erection immediately upon counting to three: one, two, three. Do not count to three until you want your erection. Your erection will continue to last until the count of four is heard: one, two, three, four. After that, you will not be able to obtain an erection again no matter what.”

The man is just so excited, he leaves the mystic and heads home. All he can think about is that tonight he will be having sex again and giving his wife the love session of her life. He cannot wait to surprise her with his eager hard-on that will last and last and last.That evening, the man is lying in bed waiting for his beautiful wife to walk out of the bathroom and crawl into bed beside him.

“How much longer will you be ?”, he inquires in a loud voice from the bed.

“Almost done sweetie.”, his wife responds from the bathroom.

The man gazes down at his penis and counts outloud: “One, two, three”. Sure enough, his penis stiffens into a grand hard-on.

The wife then hollars from the bathroom: “Honey, what did you say ‘one, two, three,’ for?”

For Sale: 2002 Ford Focus SE Wagon

2002 Ford Focus Station Wagon. In nice shape overall, miles are high (about 180k). Was used as a delivery vehicle for medical diagnostic company, transporting urine and blood samples mainly. Unfortunately some of the samples (a rather substantial amount) spilled in the cargo area and the car does smell a bit of wee. I have tried Febreeze, but I cannot get the smell of wee out of the car, so I typically drive with the windows down and you may want to do the same. Either that, or replace the cargo area carpet and the rear seatback (splash from the spillage went on the rear seatback). Other than that, the car drives fine. Will probably need brakes and tires soon. Also, radio only pulls in AM stations.

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint’ givin’ him any of mine.”

Second Bull: “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight ’im till I run him off or kill ’im, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.”

Third Bull: “I’ve only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.”

They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: “You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”

Second Bull: “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for argument.”

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: “Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.”

Third Bull: “Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull!”

Jack goes to the doctor and says “Doc I’m having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?”

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, “Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There’s really nothing I can do for you except if you’re willing to try an experimental treatment.”

Jack asks sadly, “What is this treatment?” “Well,” the doctor explains, “what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis.”

Jack thinks about it silently then says, “Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for it.”

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable.To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a dinner roll and then returned to his pants.

His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, “That was incredible! Can you do that again?”

Jack replied, “Well, I guess so, but I’m not sure I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!”

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.

“What happened to you feet?” his wife asked.
“I had a childhood disease called tolio.”

“Don’t you mean polio?”
“No, tolio, it only affects the toes.”

He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.

“What happened to your knees?” she asked.
“Well, I also had kneesles.”

“Don’t you mean measles?”
“No, kneesles, it only affects the knees.”

When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said…
“Don’t tell me, you also had smallcox!”

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four”.

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says “Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!”.

Again, there’s a bright flash…and then his legs fall off!