PREVIOUS THREAD AVAILABLE HERE

Coz of the 200 posts per thread limit, i have to continue this thread here. 

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her — how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, “I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.”

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.”

The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?”

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?”

Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.”

Then the young son asked, “Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”

 

I would like to thank the sajha admin for attaching the previous thread here

one for the day

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches.  After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.

“The good news is I can cure your headaches… the bad news is that it will require castration.” You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “that’s what I need .. a new suit.”

He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in business 60 years!” Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “how about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said “sure…” The salesman eyed Joe and said “let’s see…34 sleeves and…16 and a half neck.” Joe was suprised, “that’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years” Joe tried one the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked “how about some new shoes?” Joe was on a roll and said “sure!”

The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said “Let’s see… 9-1/2…E.” Joe said astonished, “that’s right, how did you know?” “Been in business 60 years!” Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked “how about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a second and said, “sure!” The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said “Let’s see… size 36.”

Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you. I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The salesman shook his head, “you can’t wear a size 34, it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

 

A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You asshole, I'm drowning."

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

Hey guys, nice thread. Keep it up...

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

thank you guys for keeping this thread alive ,

here is what i have for the day

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed.

“If I do 200 mph, will you take off your clothes?” he asked.

“Yes!” said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

“Go and get help!” he cried.
“But I can’t. I’m naked and my clothes are gone!”

“Take my shoe,” he said, “and cover yourself.”

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, “Please help me! My boyfriend’s stuck!”

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, “There’s nothing I can do….he’s in too far!”

 

Three guys had to spend a night at a hotel and share a double bed. In the morning, the guy on the right said "I had this great dream last night that a girl gave me handjob." The guy on the left replied "Thats weird so did I" Finally the guy in the middle said "Lucky for u guys.... I only dreamt I was skiing."

An Alien walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and pokes him in the shoulder, all the while making a noise like ”Meeeeeeep”. The bartender looks at him and is really weirded out.

He turns around and the alien pokes him in the shoulder again and says ”Meeeeeeep” The bartender is really pissed now and says to the Alien, ”Dude, next time you do that, Im gonna take you outside and rip your dick off!”

The alien obviously doesn’t understand and pokes the bartender again and says ”Meeeeeeeep”. The bartender is so pissed, that he picks him up by the collar of his space suit and draggs him outside to the empty lot and jerks down the Aliens pants.

But, the Alien doesn’t have human anatomy and has nothing there to rip off. The bartender is so surprised that he asks, ”Well, if you don’t have a dick, how do you have sex?” The alien just looks at him, pokes him in the shoulder and says”Meeeeeeep”.

Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always get wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie’s. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.

So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, “Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?”

“Well,” says Sophie, “when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it’s going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it’s going to rain, so I don’t hang out the wash.”

“What if he has an erection?” asks one of the women.

“Honey,” says Sophie, “on a day like that, you don’t do the laundry!”

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!
The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.
The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.
"No problem," said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. "For my last wish...I'd like to give birth to twins."

nice one chhimobu bro, keep it coming !!

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

“Yeah, my wife…”

 

Keep the Jokes Coming.. Love this Thread.. 

one from me......
                         SPERM inside a mans body were real mad because their previous sperm friends were all discarded and destroyed due to the man using condom during sex with his wife. SO They called for an emergency meeting, The sperm leader" my dear fellow sperms, we are here to mourn all our fallen comrades, last week our sperm friend who was to be a doctor after birth was destroyed before he could complete his mission. Just two days ago future scientist who would cure cancer was stopped from being born, next in line is our sperm candidate who will rule the world, we cannot let him perish so we have to devise a plan to break the condom and complete the mission." so its decided that the strongest sperms line up the exit and when the time comes they explode out and break the condom making a safe passage for the future world leader to complete his mission. After the meeting that night the man gets it on with his wife and sure enough was wearing a condom. But the sperms were ready......then the time came....ONE TWO THREE...and the sperms exploded out of  p e nis and broke the condom as planned.....and then they all started to yell closing their noses....RETREAT RETREAT....WRONG HOLE...ITS THE WRONG WHOLE!!!!!!!!

Nice jockes guys, keep it up...

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if ..."
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three.":)

The Madam opens the brothel door to see an elderly man standing in the doorway. His clothes are all dishevelled and he looks…well, “needy”.
“Can I help you?” the Madam asks. “I want Natalie”, the old man replies. “Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else…?”
“No. I want Natalie.”

Just then, Natalie appears and tells the old man that she charges $ 1,000 per hour. Without so much as a blink he reaches into his pocket and pulls out ten crisp new $ 100 bills. The two go up to her room for an hour, whereupon he calmly leaves.

The next night the old man appears again demanding Natalie. Natalie explains that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, that there are no discounts and that the rate is still $ 1,000 for one hour. But once again, he takes out the money. The two go up to the room and he calmly leaves an hour later.

When he shows up for the third consecutive night, no one can believe it. Again he hands Natalie the money and up to the room, they go. At the end of the hour, Natalie decides to question the old man. “I’m not used to having the same customer come back three nights in a row. Do you mind if I ask where you’re from?”

“I am from Minsk.”
“Really”, replies Natalie “I have a sister who lives there.”
“I know”, says the old man. “She gave me $ 3,000 to give to you.”

A man is driving down the road when he sees a car off the side of the road, on it’s top, and in flames. No one else is around, so he gets out to see if he can help. Inside, he finds a beautiful woman and she is bleeding profusely. He rushes her to the hospital, where she spends the next six months. He stays by her side day and night caring for her, even donating blood to her as needed. When she is released, they continue seeing each other and get married soon after.

Everything was great for a few years, then she realizes that he doesn’t give a shit about anything but his money and she decides to leave him. She comes walking down the stairs, car keys and bulging suitcases in hand. He stops her, says “where are you going with those keys, I bought that car, it belongs to me.” She tosses him the keys and keeps walking. “And those clothes and the suitcases, I’ve bought it all.” She throws down the clothes and keeps walking.

She get to the door when he says “Come to think of it, about half the blood in your body belongs to me, you’re not going anywhere.” She quickly reaches down and pulls out her tampon, throws it in his face and says, “Fine, I’ll pay you back in monthly installments.”

Dead Pussy

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the
driver, I have a dead pussy.



The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

Birds and Bees

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.



“Mother, where do babies come from?”



The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and
Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their
bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”



The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the
daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby,
honey.” The child seems to comprehend.



“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had
daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”



“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

One day this girl, who is wearing a skirt, goes out to play with her friends.



She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees.



The boy says to the girl: "Go on climb that tree."



The girls climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girls pants.



After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened.



Her mum says: "oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."



The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met THAT boy again.



He told her to climb again and she did.



when she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum
says: "My stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."



The girl replied and said: "No actually I tricked him, this time i did not wear any pants!"

Making Love to a Woman

MAKING COFFEE

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's
got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir..
gently, and firmly.



You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.



LAYING A CARPET

Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.



You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail
her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you
might like to try an underlay.



HANGING WALLPAPER

Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.



Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her
with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your
pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.



PUTTING UP A TENT

Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.



You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.



WASHING A CAR

Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.



You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give
every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice
wet sponge.



BEING IN THERAPY

And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful
woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and
evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your
money.



BEING IN A CRASH

Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual
carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.



First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a
rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as
possible.



GOING FISHING

Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.



First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your
rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst
not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that
there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the
grip is usually applied.



Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

The bride tells her husband

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know

anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"



"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the

prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the

prisoner in the prison.



And then they made love for the first time.



Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.



Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."



Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."



After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but

the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him

a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"



The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently

born foal.



Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.



She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."



Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,