hey guys.....whatz up with the humor section.......it seems dead......i have few jokes for u guys ....enjjjjjjjjjjjjjoooooooooooooooooooyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

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There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.

He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.

Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.

He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.

The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."

The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.

When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."

After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

*/**************************************

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."

The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"

"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."

"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"

"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"

The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"

"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"

The wife sits and thinks about it.

Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"

The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"

"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"

"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

***************************************************

A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk.

As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says

"NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE"

Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan

"what I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it's a snake skin belt"

"Yes" the woman replies "but what about the skunk?"

"I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up your skirt"

"but what about the smell?" the woman asks.

To which the man replies "Look, if it dies it dies!"

 

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eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww!!!

:P

nice one mate....early early morn and get to read some sex jokes.,..today is gonna be a really sexxy day ;)..

cheers for reviving some humour..:D

and i dun really have any <b>Dirty</b> jokes with me hehe..but well heres some.(might be too much for some..:P).which i think is ok....copy and pasted...have fun if u havent read them before..;)...

enjoy ..:D

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<u>TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN LAW, AREN'T:</u>

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty, but in law isn't:

1.Think you can get me off?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and

hated to leave his gorgeous, sexy blonde wife alone.

The night before he left, he brought home a vibrator

and gave it to her.

"What's this for?" she asked.

"It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her husband, winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you get horny."

A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in the garbage. "Honey," he says, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you should use it in my place when I'm gone."

"I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled my fillings loose."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

<u>What are those for?</u>

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

 He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies,

"Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men." The dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy,

"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

While, I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in bed, my six year old son asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend. I told him the television was my boyfriend, and it entertained me all the time.

The only problem was the television set was old and would just shut off for no reason. But, I would just give it a few hard wacks on the side and it would come back on, which was no big deal...

A couple of days later the pastor stopped by to check on my recovery. I was trying to get the television to come back on so, my son answered the door.

The pastor smiled and asked "Is your mom busy, son?

My little one looked up at him and replied,...."No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

<u>Recent History Student. . .</u>

Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?"

He says, "Hah, you be dumb! George-a Washington's the first-a President of- a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A couple of days later, Giuseppi comes to work and says. "Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?" Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

He says, "Hah stupid! Abaham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-ago to night school every night. I learn all about-a United States history, and become-a U.S.-acitizen."

A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppi . . .you so-a smart, you know who Fishlips Picollini is?"

Giuseppi says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Picollini is?"

The guy yells back, "That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in night school."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

<u>Lump</u>

A distraught dog owner called a vet pleading for an immediate

appointment. He explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling

near the corner of its mouth that had appeared to grow overnight, so I

told him to bring the animal over.

When the man came in with his dog, the vet examined the animal as the

man stood by, anxiously waiting the vet's opinion.

At last the doctor turned to him and asked, "Do you have any children?"

"Oh, good grief, is it contagious?" the man gasped.

"No," the doctor answered. "It's bubble gum."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

<u> Preferences</u>

This man was trying out a computer dating program and was asked for his

preferences.

He entered, "I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water

sports and enjoys group activities."

The computer generated the answer, "Marry a penguin."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Finally, something other than smiley faces.... breasts!

(o)(o) perfect breasts

( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) high nipple breasts

(@)(@) big nipple breasts

oo a cups

{ O }{ O } d cups

(oYo) wonder bra breasts

( ^)( ^) cold breasts

(o)(O) lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) pierced breasts

(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts

(:o)(o) bitten by a vampire breasts

\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts

( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts

&lt; o &gt;&lt; o &gt; electric shock breasts

|o||o| android breasts

(/)(o) scratched breasts (ouch)

(%)(o) extra nipple breasts (like Chandler)

($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts

(^o)(o) zit on your breast

( o Y o ) poses for SCORE magazine breasts

cheers..:D 

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hey one more..hehe i tought this was good..hehe but might not be good enuf for some hehe :P

 enjoy..:D

A boss was determined not to hire a Jew, so he decided to set a test for Morris, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into a legal problem.

The boss' first question was, 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

So Morris say's, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, "What the hell's that?"

Morris says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Second question, same rules, but represent 99."

Morris stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.

"Der ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Morris says, "Each trees dirty now! So it's dirty tree, 'n dirty tree, 'n dirty tree, dat's 99"

The boss is getting worried he's' going to have to hire Morris, so he says

"All right, question three. Same rules again, but represent the Number 100."

Morris stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" Morris makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "There ya go Mr. Boss, . .100 !"

The boss looks at Morris' attempt and thinks, "Ha! Got him this time."

"What's that Morris ? You must be mad if you think that represents a hundred!"

Morris leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little doggie comes along and poos by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hundred ! . . .So when do I start da job?"

 

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Hey POD, thanx for resurrecting this "humor" section. Quite dead, huh! I agree ...........

Dan, that "breasts" thing was very creative and hilarious !!!

Here's my contribution ................ ENJOY !!!

**********

Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.

St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple question."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the first girl.

"Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married and was still virgin even after I got married."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ...the golden key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.

"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married."

"Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ... the silver key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.

"Oh no, not at all," she said. "I practically had sex with every guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime." "Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ... my room key."

*************

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:

"I think everyone's asleep, lets go"

"This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first"

"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down"

"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on"

Sniff sniff.

"Ah perfume - you think of everything"

"This is great....." (long sigh)

Static on the loud speaker then a new voiceýý.

"This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!"

********

Veeru and Basanti arrive at the hotel for their honeymoon. Basanti tells Veeru, "Honey, I know nothing of this, can you help me, please?"

"I will dear, starting from this instant, we will call your thing the prison and my thing we'll call the prisoner, so we will put the prisoner in the prison."

And they throw the first one. Veeru is laying face up on the bed, but Basanti was delighted and tells Veeru, "Love, the prisoner is outside the prison!"

Veeru, who is not very delighted tells her, "Ok, let's put him into the prison another time!"

After the second, Basanti is very happy and she tells him, "The prisoner is out again!"

Veeru rises and they throw the third!

He is on the bed, exhausted and Basanti says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again!!!"

And he answers, "HEY! It's not life imprisonment!!"

******

Veeru leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about ten-fifteen minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering and swearing very softly.

The bartender approaches him and asks what the problem is.

"Oh some son-of-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head."

"Ouch! What happened?"

"He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!"

"Yeah, then what?"

"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you???"

********

Veeru was approached by Vijay at lunch who invited him out for few beers after work.

Veeru said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

Vijay suggested a way to overcome that problem, "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

Veeru agreed and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he snuck into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife, Basanti, sitting on the toilet.

"How did you get in here so fast?" he asked.

"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "Mom's visiting and you'll wake her up!"

***********

Veeru and Basanti have this really bad fight. He goes off to work the next day without talking to her, but she doesn't care. She's busy doing her thing around the house. All of the sudden, around 1:00 in the afternoon, the doorbell rings. She goes to the door and opens it and there is a young delivery guy from the local florist shop with an enormous, beautiful bouquet of red roses...the expensive ones...from Santa.

She says to the delivery guy with disgust, "Oh Shit!"

The delivery guy says, "What's a matter lady? You don't like roses?"

Basanti replies, "Yeah, I like roses, but do you know what this means?"

He says, "No, Lady, what does this mean?"

Basanti answers, "It means for the next two weeks I'll be laying on my back with my legs in the air."

He replies, "Don't you have a vase?"

***********

Veeru spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.

"Carmen," she replied.

That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself,ý she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes.

"So what's your name?" she asked.

"Beersex."

**********

Cheeerrrsssssss .......................... BTW, Keep them "cumming" folks !!!

 

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An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world.

After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple.

So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

******

eeewwwwww .................. a nasty joke right there , sorry folks couldn't help it !! 

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relax singh hehee...cheers mate....

joke haru ramro cha..;)...

thio boobs thingy joke ta when iw as readin(seeing hehe) it...ma pani well hehe amusing lageyko thio hehe glad u thought it was too hehe...

veeru ra basanti ko jokes ta..hehe...majah cha..never heard of those characters before..kayho hehe hindi dhekin ho??(sholey??:P forgot what dharmendra was called hehe)....old lady ko knee cap....chyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa......i dun wanna imagine how her...u know those things looks like though ...hehe sh*t i can see it now..:S..chyaaaa...lucky i cant picture the face of the old lady..dun tell me what she looks like...i have nightmares later..:P...

anyways keep on carrying the good job mate..:D..alik stress bhoyehko bela ma ta...jokes ley esto dimak lai relaxsing dincha....;)

cheers...again..:D 

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great jokes guys.......the sholay series was creative man.....i got one for u guys...enjoy

A women goes to a tax filing company, and tells the accountant that she needs to file one.

"Fine," the accountant says to his client, "but before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He takes her particulars: name, address, social security number, etc.

Eventually, he comes on to her current occupation.

"What are you working as at the moment?" he asks. The woman replies, "I'm a whore."

"No, no, no!" barks the accountant. "That'll never work! It's far too crass! Let's try to rephrase that."

"Okay," says the woman, "err... I'm a prostitute?"

 "No, no. That's still far too crude. Can't you think of something else?"

They both sit thinking for a minute, then the woman suddenly blurts out, "I'm a chicken farmer."

 The accountant is dumbstruck. "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"

"Well," says the woman, "I must have raised over 300 cocks last year!"

 

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ONLY FOR THE DIRTY MINDED

(which is all of u, who visited this thread ---&gt; adult hu.......)

lmao ; -)

OK, got an UNRATED version of an old indian song u couldn't hear in the CDs and was too wild for TVs &amp; theatres :

Tum agaye ho , Noor aagayi hain .......

Tum agaye ho , Noor aagayi hain ;

Aaao ab tino chalkar 3some karein !!

******

heheheheee ....... oppss my bad !

 

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James runs to a renowned psychologist and says : "Doctor, doctor!! You gotta help me. My wife goes to Larry's bar every weekend. But the problem is she sleeps with anyone who would ask her. YOu gotta help me or i will go mad".

Doctor: Now relax and tell me exactly where Larry's bar is.

cheers

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A couple decided to use sign language before having sex so as not to arouse suspicion from their housemates.

Wife: When you want to have sex, just fondle my LEFT breast once. when you dont want to have sex, fondle my RIGHT breast once. OK?

Husband: thats fine. when you want to have sex, pull on my penis once. when you dont want to have sex, pull on my penis fifty times.

cheers

p.s. i guess this is adult humour section. what are you kids doing here anyway? :)

 

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Jhonny took his wife, who was about to deliver their first child, to the hospital. They were glad to know that a new machine would enablel labor pain to be transferred to the husband (to a disired level) so that the wife didnt have to bear all the pain.

The nurse pushed the moderate button; James stood nervously but didnt raise an eyebrow. Then the button was pushed to moderate level but still James wasnt complaining. Even when the button was pushed to "Highest" level, James looked calm.

All was well and they were blessed with the finest young boy you could imagine. But they were quite surprised when they reached home and found the postman lying dead on their doorsteps.

cheers

 

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